Happy Anniversary to my husband of 4 years, Josh Burke! Here's a flashback to what it was like being newlyweds, working over 40 hours a week with a 2 hour commute, and sharing a bank account for the first time.
Originally published on 1/13/2015 by Kristi Burke
Being a Wife comes with unique responsibilities and opportunities. Here are a few things I've learned in my 5 months of marriage.
1. You will both continue to work 40+ hours a week or more
... Because you both "NEED" to live on the Westside close to the beach
... Because YOLO
... Because the wedding was expensive
2. You will spend your day off... Cleaning
... Because your new hubby is dirtier than a freshman frat boy
... Because you are convinced to have a "big girl" apartment.
... Because you're less of a "Martha Stewart" type and more of a "I should hire someone to do this, right?" but you can't afford a cleaning service yet
Wife Rule #1: Finders Keepers - Any money found cleaning and/or doing laundry is now yours $$$$
3. You will need to negotiate how you spend that joint account of yours
Him: "Acting classes are too expensive. You don't even want to be an actress."
Me: " If I don't do something different, I will live and die working at the MALL!"
Him: "Now you are just being dramatic"
Me: "See I could be an actress!"
4. You will stare at your wedding photos and have a giant mug of Irish Coffee
.... Because you married the sweetest man in the world
....Because you honeymooned in Ireland where you spiked your coffee every morning
.... Because you are done making payments to the photographer
Because the Joy of Cooking is a big, complicated myth
Go Ahead and Tie on that Apron from Anthropology that you registered for and snap a pic because the best part of cooking is... duh... the Instagram!
Step 1: Thaw out some wild-caught salmon
...Because your friend, who is a chef, says that "farm-raised" means they swim around in their own poo
...Because you saw a news segment on how ALL fish is frozen at some point before it gets to you, so there is no point in spending more for it to be de-frosted
....Because you believe anything anyone tells you
Step 2: Put a couple of potatoes in the microwave for 12 minutes
...Because those suckers take, like, an hour in the oven
...And who cooks for an hour?
....Because it's the microwave or fast food, pick your poison
Step 3: Put the salmon skin down on a frying pan (medium heat) and sprinkle it with whatever spices you have in your pantry
...Because I'm not Rachel Ray and spices are expensive.
....Why does every recipe call for some rare dried out herb?
...like what actually happens if I skip a few ingredients anyway?
Step 4: Finish your first glass of wine and then put on some Jazz... and almost immediately change it to Top 40
...Because you are not as sophisticated as your Aunt Julia
...Because you are a disgrace of a musician
...Because that's what the "private listening"on Spotify is for
...Because "you're too sexy beautiful, and everybody wants a taste, that's why..." #NickJonas
Step 5: Put those potatoes in the oven for 5 minutes and snap a photo for Instagram: "Baked Potatoes and Salmon tonight, I totally rock at cooking!"
...Because what people don't know can't hurt them
...unless scientists are right about the whole "cancer caused by microwaves" thing, in which case, I am a murderer
Step 6: Remove salmon from the frying pan and place it in a baking dish. Bake at 350 for 5 more minutes.
...Because food borne illnesses can really kill a dinner party, and you already gave everyone microwave cancer
...Because you had to pre-heat the oven for the potato photoshoot anyway
Step 7: Drink more wine and Instagram Away!!
...Because even your grandma has Instagram now, and she would be proud
...Because wine makes you a better host
...Because if you don't post it, did it even happen?
Originally released 1/14/2015 by Kristi Burke
Hey, all stories need a problem...
1. Start by making sure that every day leading to this day are as long and unproductive as possible
...because you are the worst person in the world when you're tired (seriously, you shouldn't drive or talk to other people as it's likely to get ugly)
...because nothing will put more pressure on your day off then a leftover plate of duties from the rest of the week
...because your husband bought all of the Star Wars movies so finishing them has been a priority
2. Make a list of the things that need to be accomplished in this one single day and make it as impossible and unrealistic as you can
...because your last day off was super lazy and you feel guilty
...you even wrote a blog about it
...because you're an auto-masochist
3. Start with the hardest stuff on the list
...because that will make checking things off the list seem slower and more daunting
... Start checking things off like "clean the entire house" before you let yourself "write a list of 10 funny things for a blog"
....make sure to run a mile or two before starting anything
4. Make sure the only thing you "needed" to do is at the bottom of the list
...Because you don't know how to prioritize
...Because "watching new girl" can count as writing research
...Because, who needs clean underwear anyway?
5. Add some things to the list that have no relevance or importance and make them your obsession for the day.
... "buy desert plants for the balcony"
... "research how dishwashers work"
... And my personal favorite, "spray tan" for absolutely no occasion at all
6. While driving back from your spray tan, make sure you run over the curb good enough to get a flat tire
...Because you're easily distracted
...wait what was I going to say?
...Because you're not supposed to drive when your tired! I already told you that!
...Because your husband has somewhere to be tonight, and you think it'd be funny if he's late
7. Call your husband and ask him to join you in your misery
...Because you aren't actually sure how AAA works... in fact you aren't actually sure if you have AAA
...Because some older man saw you hit that curb so you drove away on your flat embarrassed & now you're parked somewhere weird and awkward
...Because if you could change your own tire, you probably wouldn't be the type of person who hits the curb in the first place
8. Walk to the grocery store while your husband waits for AAA
...Because neither of you know how to remove your new custom rims
...Because he didn't eat all day and that's going to be bad for both of you
...Because you can't handle another repair guy asking you "how the hell did you do that?!"
9. Make sure what you buy for your husband from the store has rye bread
...Because he likes all kinds of sandwiches
...Ham, Turkey, Cheese, White bread, Wheat bread, Italian, Meatball...
... just not rye bread sandwiches
10. Drive him to kickball
...Because the AAA man turned out to be a saint
...Because you could have probably could have dealt with this by yourself
...and finally because you have 10 things to write about now
Warning: One tire was destroyed in the making of this blog. The curb sustained no injuries. All humans are safe, except one human may be very hungry at a kickball game right now. All other players should heed caution when trash talking this hungry human as he is likely a ticking human time bomb.
This original article was first published on 5/11/2015 by Kristi Burke