Hey, all stories need a problem...
1. Start by making sure that every day leading to this day are as long and unproductive as possible
...because you are the worst person in the world when you're tired (seriously, you shouldn't drive or talk to other people as it's likely to get ugly)
...because nothing will put more pressure on your day off then a leftover plate of duties from the rest of the week
...because your husband bought all of the Star Wars movies so finishing them has been a priority
2. Make a list of the things that need to be accomplished in this one single day and make it as impossible and unrealistic as you can
...because your last day off was super lazy and you feel guilty
...you even wrote a blog about it
...because you're an auto-masochist
3. Start with the hardest stuff on the list
...because that will make checking things off the list seem slower and more daunting
... Start checking things off like "clean the entire house" before you let yourself "write a list of 10 funny things for a blog"
....make sure to run a mile or two before starting anything
4. Make sure the only thing you "needed" to do is at the bottom of the list
...Because you don't know how to prioritize
...Because "watching new girl" can count as writing research
...Because, who needs clean underwear anyway?
5. Add some things to the list that have no relevance or importance and make them your obsession for the day.
... "buy desert plants for the balcony"
... "research how dishwashers work"
... And my personal favorite, "spray tan" for absolutely no occasion at all
6. While driving back from your spray tan, make sure you run over the curb good enough to get a flat tire
...Because you're easily distracted
...wait what was I going to say?
...Because you're not supposed to drive when your tired! I already told you that!
...Because your husband has somewhere to be tonight, and you think it'd be funny if he's late
7. Call your husband and ask him to join you in your misery
...Because you aren't actually sure how AAA works... in fact you aren't actually sure if you have AAA
...Because some older man saw you hit that curb so you drove away on your flat embarrassed & now you're parked somewhere weird and awkward
...Because if you could change your own tire, you probably wouldn't be the type of person who hits the curb in the first place
8. Walk to the grocery store while your husband waits for AAA
...Because neither of you know how to remove your new custom rims
...Because he didn't eat all day and that's going to be bad for both of you
...Because you can't handle another repair guy asking you "how the hell did you do that?!"
9. Make sure what you buy for your husband from the store has rye bread
...Because he likes all kinds of sandwiches
...Ham, Turkey, Cheese, White bread, Wheat bread, Italian, Meatball...
... just not rye bread sandwiches
10. Drive him to kickball
...Because the AAA man turned out to be a saint
...Because you could have probably could have dealt with this by yourself
...and finally because you have 10 things to write about now
Warning: One tire was destroyed in the making of this blog. The curb sustained no injuries. All humans are safe, except one human may be very hungry at a kickball game right now. All other players should heed caution when trash talking this hungry human as he is likely a ticking human time bomb.
This original article was first published on 5/11/2015 by Kristi Burke